WHERE HAVE I BEEN???!!!!!

I owe you all an explanation as to where I have been the past several Months. I know that even when I was “Here” in January and February I was not really here. It was my attempt at trying to stay with this blog when it just wasn’t in me. This post is going to be as much my Therapy as it is my explanation to you. So I am sorry if I kind of go off on tangents and rant and rave. But I kind of need this.
So here it is:
The Good(Extremely Wonderfully Good),
The Bad(The Inexcusably Bad),
And the Ugly(People are Not always Kind).

The Good(Extremely Wonderfully Good). I am PREGNANT! I know that is pretty much always good news for everyone. But for us it’s extra Good, really, really, really extra Good. Mike and I were told that we basically can never get pregnant on our own. We have a one in a BILLLION chance of getting pregnant (not even one in a Million). I don’t ovulate regularly we never know when I will and I skip months, and months at a time. Plus Mike has an extremely low sperm count which makes our chances one in a billion (according to our Doctor). To have Kaia and Mikey we went through multiple rounds of IVF (In vitro Fertilization with assisted hatching). During that time you get to know your Fertility Doctor very well, and we loved our Doctor. We went to her for a total of seven years. If you have been through IVF you know you are at the Doctors office often as in every three days sometimes more. While it is not always for Doctors visits (it’s mostly for blood draws) I always got to see my Doctor at least in the hallways and we would say “Hi” or chat for a bit. Even when I was not pregnant we would always keep in touch and we always attended the annual Picnic to go see our Doctor chat and see the other people who had been going through fertility treatments the same time as us.

The Bad(The Inexcusably Bad). In December Mike and I decided we wanted to have another Baby. I called our Fertility Doctor and made an appointment for right after the New Year. I went in for the initial consult you always have to do to begin IVF. I had a Hysteroscopy and Internal Ultrasound planned. Hysteroscopy’s are painful. I mean it really painful, at least for me. This was my 5th so instead of watching the screen (I have seen my uterus on TV before) I closed my eyes and waited for the procedure to be over. Next was the Ultrasound, internal ultrasounds are not painful…just uncomfortable. So I watched the screen as my Doctor continually told me how everything looked fantastic, wonderful, and perfect. As she was doing the Ultrasound she kept going back to this spot that looked kind of like an oval on the screen as she did though she kept assuring me everything looks amazing, we were good to go for another round of IVF. In fact THIS TIME, instead of going through months of BCP to try and regulate my period we were going to start my IVF cycle at the end of the month. Since I had been through IVF so many times she felt that this time I would be ready right away. Which was fine with me, we wanted another Baby. She prescribed Birth Control Pills and some other Medications and told me to start taking them that night. So I did. I was not feeling well after the procedure so I had Mike go get everything and I started taking my medications immediately. She also told Mike he had to go in for a specimen sample immediately since we were moving along at a faster pace this time and we had to order all the other Fertility medications right away as well $6,000 worth of non- refundable medication.

And the Ugly(People are Not always Kind, I am putting that Nicely). So if you have not guessed it that little oval she saw and kept going back to on the Ultrasound was our BABY! I did not know …I should have and I will never forgive myself for not knowing right then and there. So I kept taking the medication my Doctor prescribed and eventually it was time for me to go in and have another Ultrasound so they could see how my eggs were progressing. My Doctor was in with another Patient whose appointment was running late. So one of the nurses came in to do my ultrasound and there unmistakably was a BABY. There was no missing it this time everything was there and my baby was moving. I nearly screamed and so did the Nurse. I NEVER EVER EVER thought we could get Pregnant on our own. Not after everything we had been through. We had been trying to have a baby since 2001 so 11 years later this was quite the surprise. My Doctor came in and said “Oh, you must have gotten Pregnant the day of the Hysteroscopy”. I was so elated to find out I was pregnant I barely heard her. Until she said “Don’t tell anyone about this Pregnancy because we don’t know how it will turn out” and then she said “Just leave the money in our account just in case you need to come back for IVF in a month or so” (You have to pay for IVF before the procedure). I left the Doctor’s office both ecstatic and worried. On the way home I started going over everything that had happened and that’s when I realized what that oval shape was at my initial visit. It was our Baby. I went home and told my Husband the good news I didn’t tell him what she had said about the pregnancy not working out I also didn’t tell him what I now knew about the initial visit. WHY? I was embarrassed and ashamed. How did I not know? I should have known just by seeing it. I should have asked what is that spot, her assurances of everything being perfect made me not ask. I trusted her I have known her for Years now. So that evening I put a stop on the money sent to her office. I also made an appointment for my regular OBGYN. I did not even tell them what had happened exactly, I told them what medications I had been taking and I told them I was pregnant so I went in for my first visit. My progesterone levels were very low. So I had to start a daily medication for that and go in for blood tests every week. The baby looked great though. In fact I got our Due Date. Now remember my Fertility Doctor had said “You must have gotten pregnant the day of the Hysteroscopy”. That was impossible for two reasons 1) I felt miserable and in pain after the hysteroscopy sex was the last thing on my mind 2) My Due Date. I was definitely pregnant on the day of my initial exam with the fertility Doctor. So she tried to get rid of my pregnancy just to have me go through IVF to grow another baby.

How has that affected me? Well I kind of shut down as you all know. I literally have well over 1,000 unopened emails ( I promise I will get to them). I could not handle everything that was going on so the computer was the easiest thing for me to give up. I felt like the worst Mother ever. It’s hard to protect your children completely once they are out of the womb but I had failed so completely when it is supposed to be easiest. I should have known I was pregnant. I had morning sickness but I just thought I had a stomach bug or ate something bad. I dismissed it. I felt like I was not appreciating my children enough. I was obviously not aware of my own self so how could I be aware of everything they needed as well. So I went back to my roots so to speak. I was a preschool teacher for 10 years. And I realized I was doing nothing with my children with all my early childhood knowledge with everything I had learned all the cool activities and projects. So that’s what I started doing. I started doing everything I could to prove to them and to myself that I was a good Mother. I even started a new blog just dedicated to what I was doing with them to prove to everyone else out there as well. Plus it really and honestly does make me happy and it makes my kiddos happy too, so I am going to continue doing fun activities with them and posting about it. Don’t worry I will get back into giveaways as well; just give me a little time.

I am still not over the shock of what has happened. My friend asked me if we were going to sue my Doctor. And the answer is. Probably Not. Mike and I talked about it and she helped us to have Kaia and Mikey. They our world (and the new baby too of course), without her we would not have them. Does that excuse what she did? Absolutely not. But we are still thankful for them.

On the bright Side Kaia named the Baby. We were in the car and she said “Mommy, Daddy, I have the perfect name for the Baby, WINKLES!” And Mike and I agreed that is indeed the perfect name for the Baby. Don’t worry we are not really going to name the Baby Winkles. It will however forever be this Child’s Nickname.

Comments

  1. Hi Debra

    Nice to see you again, I was wondering where you had went and then last night I saw a lot of your posts come across my google reader. Congrats on the pregnancy! With all of that said, you might want to reconsider suing that doctor. I am not saying to do it for money but if this doctor did this to you, I bet he/she is doing it to others. Usually if they do this once, they have done it in the past or they will do it again in the future if it was their first time. I would hate to see another loving couple go through that later on down the road if that doctor decides to do that again.

    Anyway, good luck with the pregnancy and I look forward to seeing all of your posts again.

  2. Addison Kat says:

    Oh my, Congratulations!! I can’t believe your doctor would do such a horrible thing. I’m glad everything has worked out for you and just wanted to wish you the best with this pregnancy. Oh and I think “Winkles” is an adorable name. My daughter calls our baby “shark bait”. She’s a huge fan of Finding Nemo. Hopefully she won’t call her sister that once she’s actually born!

  3. D Schmidt says:

    Shocking! So sorry you had such a dreadful experience with your Doctor are two very obviously amazing ones. Congratulations 🙂

  4. That is absolutely awful and makes me sick to my stomach. Even if you dont’ sue your doctor I definitely think you need to tell her what you know and make her accountable for her actions. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I don’t blame you for closing off. I wish you the best in your pregnancy — so… when IS your due date??

  5. Kimberly Schotz says:

    I am so happy for your family, what terrific news. A bad mother?, never. Why would you even dream you would be pregnant? Enjoy this wonderful blessing, and thank you for sharing your exciting news!

  6. WOW! That’s mainly my thoughts. I am so glad that you are pregnant the old fashioned way! That is over the moon exciting! I am due in July with our third child. I too am a blogger, and I took a step back cutting down the time that I spend, and learning how to manage my online time better. So what if the emails don’t get read, it’s not the end of the world. I got to a point where I was just deleting a bunch of them, and not reading any. I was also ignoring sponsors emails. Not a good thing to do when it took me a month to get back to them, or more. I don’t do reviews now unless I have a sponsor who is willing to give me 6 to 8 weeks to review something. Because it honestly takes me that long when I already have like 20 things to review in my possession.

    I have been doing more with our children inside and outside our home. I am not huge on spending time outside, as the cold weather bothers me, and I don’t like being outside when it’s overly hot. Well, we do have shade on our front porch, and I can sit there with the camera, a book, water, and whatever else I might need while the kids play. They like blowing bubbles, riding their bikes, and they had a blast last week playing in a 2 gallon bucket of water with some $1 watering cans I found at Target or Walmart. They thought that was the most fun thing in the world. I also had one squirt gun, and they enjoyed taking turns squirting each other. Who knew that they could have so much fun with 2 gallons of water, a bucket, and 2 cheapy plastic little watering cans? But they did! We spent almost 3 hours outside that day. Both kids ended up with skinning something. Matthew had a skinned up elbow, which is still healing, and he hurt and got a small cut on the opposite ankle. My daughter skinned her knees very lightly, but they both had so much fun!

    It’s amazing how just a few hours a day playing with them or taking them outside has made with me bonding with them. It just sucks that it took me getting pregnant with our third child for this to happen. I don’t want to miss these years. Matthew starts a full day of PreK in August, and that’s it. He will be taught and groomed by a teacher 5 days a week, for almost 6 hours a day or so. I will miss him to say the least. It will help me to have some time to bond with my new baby, and get into a schedule with the baby and our 3 year old daughter. But still, things will never be the same again.

    I am so happy for you and your family! I also love the activities that you have posted on your blog that you have done with them! That’s so awesome! We will be doing the freezing things in ice this summer! When it’s warmer outside.

  7. Debbie Stanton says:

    My heart goes out to you…. I am so glad that everything is now okay. You have been through a lot and i think it’s a good thing that you took care of yourself first. I will admit I was a little worried about you and your family during the absence. But completely understand and just so thankful it has a happy ending 🙂 Congratulations.

  8. Jamie Brigham says:

    Wow Congrats on the pregnancy. I am so sorry for what that dr tried to do to you. You are not a bad mother, many of us don’t ask questions because we either don’t want to seem stupid or because we think it’s supposed to be there. The medical professionals should have told you the truth right then and there. She tried to murder your baby by putting you on Birth control pills, I most definitely would sue her because I imagine she has to have done this to other people before. But on the bright side You and your husband created a child with a one in 1 billion shot…that is pretty impressive. I guess a higher power had different ideas and God knew what was best. Enjoy this time and take all the time you need!

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